“A Perfectionist?! Me, no way! I know I'm not perfect; there is no such thing…”

As a therapist, I hear the above exclamation often from my clients when I introduce the topic of perfectionism. Even when I anchor the term in clinical theory to provide nuance, the reaction is frequently one of offense or disdain. This resistance is telling; it suggests that the term feels like a judgment rather than a functional observation. When this happens, I see an entry point. An opening to collaboratively dive a little deeper into our therapeutic work and dismantle the misunderstanding and stigma surrounding the term. I often start with some psychoeducation to help expand on the topic beyond its definition and as it pertains to human behavior and psychology.

So, what is it about this seven-letter word—"perfect”—that triggers such a strong reaction? Perhaps it’s because the definition itself is so unforgiving. Merriam-Webster defines it as being “entirely without fault or defect”. When we apply this rigid standard to human behavior, conflict is inevitable. Many of us know it as a buzzword and use the word in social or behavioral contexts based on that literal definition. While most people logically accept that human perfection is an oxymoron and know logically that no person or thing is truly flawless, it doesn't stop the word from feeling like an impossible standard we're failing to meet.

When discussing perfectionism clinically, we must look beyond logic and buzzword notions, and into the emotional architecture of the individual, as well as the sociocultural constructs and norms that help shape the individual. Perfectionism is often a proxy for the deep-seated need to be “enough”. Whether it’s the desire to be smart enough, lovable enough, attractive enough, or successful enough, we are all grappling with this fundamental need for worthiness. These patterns often take root in childhood, where a blend of societal expectations and family pressures begin to have an impact on our self-worth. In these developmental stages, a child’s self-esteem becomes tethered to external metrics like athletic ability, appearance, academic performance, or how closely we follow the rules, transforming the desire for belonging into a lifelong quest to feel enough, sometimes via perfectionistic standards and patterns.

Throughout one’s life if perfectionism is leaned into in extreme and unhealthy ways, it can lead to unrealistic standards that manifest as a rigid blueprint for how we must perform, produce, and present ourselves. It can lead to high-pressure patterns where falling short of the “ideal” triggers waves of shame and harsh self-criticism that can erode self-esteem. The trickiest part is how subconscious this becomes. Over time, it simply feels like a default setting, a familiar, and sometimes seemingly necessary way of navigating life and maintaining connections in ways that make us feel “enough”. On the other hand, if perfectionism is balanced with insightfulness, boundaries, and flexibility, it can be seen as high-achieving and serve as fuel that drives healthy success and achievements. In this latter presentation, standards and achievements do not become rigid indicators for how worthy a person feels.

Perfectionism was first introduced to the field of psychology in the early 1900’s by Alfred Adler. He believed it to be a normal part of human behavior, constituting an instinct towards survival as well as a response to feelings of inferiority. Long before Adler, however, philosophers as far back as Socrates debated perfectionism as a phenomenon and core element of social and moral theories. While it has yet to be recognized as a formal clinical diagnosis, there is ongoing discussion about its potential debut in the next edition of the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders). Whether or not it gains official status, this concept as it pertains to human behavior has a deep history and continues to masterfully weave its way into the human psyche.

So, what do we do with all of this?! Addressing perfectionism begins with a personal inventory. Based on some theories, we can view it through two main lenses: its impact and its orientation. Is your perfectionism adaptive, helping you succeed and achieve in healthy ways, or maladaptive, leading to internalized shame and painful self-esteem struggles? Furthermore, is it directed at yourself, projected onto others, or fueled by social pressure, or some combination of the three? Understanding this framework allows you to see the unique benefits and deficits of how perfectionism shows up in your daily life, and ways that it may be advantageous or harmful to your self-worth.

A quick hint: try not to think in binaries. With regards to human behavior and psychology, there are far more “and’s” than “either-or’s,” and oftentimes perfectionism exists as a series of contradictions. We see this when it shows up across various life domains. You might find that your perfectionism is a superpower in one area and a shadow in another. Take the example of a professional who excels in their career through a healthy, driven and balanced mindset and approaches, but simultaneously struggles with rigid standards and behaviors regarding their weight or their partner’s health choices. Here, perfectionism serves in both adaptive and maladaptive ways and is oriented multidimensionally. While their self-esteem may be flourishing in a professional context, it is likely being compromised by the high-pressure demands and self-sabotaging standards they place on themselves and others behind closed doors, leading to feelings of fragility, and perhaps even shame.

Cultivating curiosity about your relationship with perfectionism is a powerful first step. Once you’ve uncovered these patterns, you can turn that knowledge into a catalyst for change by engaging in the following:

·       Therapy: A dedicated space to process the "why" behind your unique perfectionistic traits. Therapy helps you trace the life experiences that shaped these standards and provides deeper awareness and practical tools to navigate them effectively.

·        Inner Dialogue: Start paying closer attention to your inner critic. When does it show up, and what is it demanding? By pausing to tune into this internal language, you can begin to shift the mental habits that fuel perfectionism in maladaptive ways.

·       Self-Compassion: Challenging maladaptive perfectionism requires being kinder and more accepting of yourself. Practice affirming that your worth is non-negotiable and begin to assign different and healthier meaning to expectations and goals. Try spending more time asking yourself: "What does 'enough' actually look like in this moment?"

·       Assess and Edit Standards: Take an honest look at the expectations you impose on yourself and others, as well as the social norms you feel pressured to follow. Getting curious about these standards allows you to bridge the gap between impossible ideals and a healthy reality.

·       Curated Resources: From books and webinars to podcasts, there is a wealth of information available. However, in an age of information overload, it's important to be mindful of your sources. To get you started, here are a few trusted resources I recommend:

1.     Katherine Morgan Schafler: https://www.katherinemorganschafler.com/

2.     Terri Cole: https://www.terricole.com/

3.     Dr. Paul L. Hewitt: https://drpaulhewitt.ca/learn/writing/

4.     Dr. Gordon Flett: https://www.apa.org/news/podcasts/speaking-of-psychology/perfectionism https://youtu.be/vzxM58ed7Ok?si=YsInLV50M7vXGA7n

5.     “When Perfect Isn’t Good Enough: Strategies for Coping With Perfectionism” book by Antony and Swinson

6.     Various works of Alfred Adler: “The Individual Psychology of Alfred Adler”. https://adler.institute/