Boundaries: More Than Just a Buzzword

The word "boundaries" has become a staple of pop psychology. In my clinical work, I find that while many people seek help "setting better boundaries," they are often in the dark about what that actually looks like beyond the curated advice of social media.

To move beyond the buzzword, we have to look at how boundaries function in real-life scenarios.

The Anatomy of a Boundary

Think of personal and relational boundaries as the metaphorical equivalent of the fences, doors, and windows of a home. We have the agency to lock, open, or close these structures to provide safety for ourselves and our belongings. We choose what to keep out and what to protect on the inside.

Similarly, human boundaries are designed to provide emotional, mental, and physical protection. They generally fall into two categories:

• Tangible Boundaries: These are measurable and direct. For example: "I will exercise three times a week," or "I choose monogamy in my romantic relationships."

• Abstract Boundaries: These are more nuanced and internal. For example: "I am noticing that I overly compliment others to gain acceptance, and I want to refrain from doing that as often."

Why Boundaries Get Complicated

In our daily lives, we adhere to social boundaries constantly to remain safe and functional; acting solely on impulse and desire would lead to a dangerous existence. However, boundaries become complicated when they align with our unique fears and insecurities. These "nuanced" boundaries are often the hardest to see and the most difficult to implement.

Case Study: The Fear of Criticism Consider "Sally," who grew up in a household where criticism was constant. This led to a deep-seated disbelief in her own capabilities. As an adult, Sally is self-critical and struggles to assert her needs. She chooses to "be easy" to avoid any tension that might lead to dissatisfaction or criticism from others. Consequently, she often silences her authenticity and feels taken advantage of.

For someone like Sally, boundary work happens in two stages:

1. The Internal Boundary: Through self-reflection, Sally learns to identify when she is holding back out of fear. She begins to practice being assertive with her own needs and desires.

2. The External Boundary: Sally practices saying "no" or expressing disagreement when a situation does not align with her true needs.

Implementing Change: Start Small

I always recommend starting slowly. If Sally tried to set a major boundary with her mother immediately, the stakes might feel too high. Instead, she could practice with a co-worker. If they go to lunch every Friday, Sally can preemptively suggest the restaurant instead of always deferring to her colleague.

This "low-stakes" practice builds the confidence necessary to implement shifts and boundaries in more significant relationships.

The Path Forward

Healthy boundaries rely on understanding the nuanced fears—like the fear of offending or disappointing others—that lead us to self-abandon. While change is difficult, it follows a clear path:

• Build Awareness: Identify where a boundary is lacking.

• Explore the "Why": Understand the underlying insecurities or fears.

• Practice and Implement: Start in non-threatening contexts and gradually expand.

By moving beyond the buzzword and doing the deeper work of self-discovery, we protect our emotional health and pave the way for more authentic wellbeing and healthier relationships. For more information on boundaries, please feel free to visit the Resources page on my web site and locate the “Boundaries” section.

*I hope you find this blog post helpful. Please feel free to tune back in in a few weeks to read the next blog post on the intersection of boundaries, anxiety and perfectionism!*